APR 26, 2011
"High Ho, High Ho... It's Off to Lick Dopey I Go..."
I hate this whole "straight edge" movement. Sure, I suppose I shouldn't have anything against the kids who are staying away from drugs and alcohol in order to live clear headed lives where they can enjoy their world around them in a pure form, but FUCK! They've got no clue what they're missing!
There is this strange misconception that everyone who tries drugs is a junkie and that everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. It's possible to partake in illicit items and still be a functioning member of society. And when you're a teenager, that's part of the growing up process. You're supposed to be trying new avenues of thought. Drugs help facilitate that.
If you never get high and don't associate with people who do, you also miss out on some really great stories. Most of you readers have read my little adventures with Bob's Big Boy. If I was a straight-edger I never would have been able to experience that fun and adventure. If I didn't have the friend that I did, I would have missed out on other fantastic outings.
Case in point? The licking of a famous dwarf.
The summer after high school, my group of hooligan friends and I decided to take a trip to Disneyland and well... trip. We'd brought several hits of acid with us, and not wanting to completely go ape shit on "It's a Small World," most of us only took a couple. My friend Eddie, however, decided to go whole hog.
After consuming a handful of hits (my guess anywhere between 6-10 minimum) Eddie proceeded to trip to his little heart's content. It started simply, with him Oooo-ing and Ahhh-ing over the displays and screaming like a madman on the Peter Pan ride.
Things got a little funny when we decided to get on Mr Toad's Wild Ride. There is a bronze sculpture (or whatever the fuck metal the damn thing is made out of) of the Toadmeister himself, which Eddie promptly started molesting. He licked its face, humped on it and declared his undying love. The nervous parents around us pulled their wee ones closer to their ankles and tried to pretend they weren't witnessing the man on sculpture action.
After getting off the ride, we began to make our way toward the aforementioned evil puppet ride when we saw that Snow White and her little buddies were making their way through Fantasyland. The 7 little dudes were trailing after the raven haired goddess, with Dopey bringing up the rear.
I should mention that the rest of us, aside from Eddie, are sobering up at this point. Upon seeing the big-eared character, Eddie clapped his hands and squealed like a 5 year old girl receiving her first Barbie. He ran over and joined the procession, flipping at the back of the beloved dwarf's costume.
When the person inside turned around to figure out what was going on, Eddie took its oversized molded plastic head in his hands and started to lick its face. Slowly and deliberately, Eddie ran his tongue over the length of Dopey's nose, then hollered back to the rest of the group:
"He tastes just like (incomprehensible word)!"
I still to this day have no clue as to what Dopey tastes like, but apparently it's quite heavenly, as Eddie began to orally manipulate him some more.
The security guards came up behind him and, to their credit, rather politely informed him that he was going to need to: "Stop licking the dwarf, sir." A couple of us rushed in at that point and told the guards that Eddie was developmentally disabled.
That's right. We told them he was retarded. It was the best I could come up with in my 18 year old, still semi-tripping mind. I still think it was clever and yet ill-conceived when I look back on it now. They allowed us to drag him along, crying fat tears. He was so sad to see his cartoon lover go.
We managed to get through the rest of the afternoon relatively unscathed (I'm not even getting into the flip-out that occurred on Star Tours) and without getting bounced from the park.
I can't imagine living a young adulthood without these types of stories to tell. So... straight-edgers, take it from an old and wise lady. Start smoking some durka, start dropping a few tabs and for the love of all that is Awesome, discover yourself some fucking 'shrooms.
I'm not jumping on the "Drugs are Good" propaganda that the "greenies" and lawmen are riding high on. Simply retelling an old tale that made me smile on an otherwise gloomy morning. Controvisial, sure, but it's my blog so you know where to go if you don't like it's content.
I'll just say "You're Welcome," in advance and save us some even more trouble.
